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WWE Story Pitch

Free WWE Pitch #3: Ronda Rousey


Free WWE Pitch #3: Ronda Rousey

BOOM! That's right. Ronda Rousey.

Rousey has already become the most recognizable MMA fighter in the world. Her professional record at the time of this writing is 12-1. She has never won without submitting or knocking out her opponent. And of her 12 wins, only one of them took her more than one round to achieve. She is a powerful fighter. She makes her living trying to hurt people until they beg her to stop. If that's not a listed definition for the word "badass" on Urban Dictionary, it should be.

The WWE has a successful history of employing people from "real" sports. Ken Shamrock was an accomplished MMA fighter. He was one of the earliest UFC fighters who helped put the sport on fight fans' radars. UFC Hall-of-Famer Dan Severn, another early adopter of the sport who actually beat Shamrock at one point, made the jump to pro wrestling in the late 90s. And then of course there's WWE's current "Beast Incarnate," Brock Lesnar, who just happens to be one of the most frightening people ever constructed by nature.

These guys made the leap from taking severe and more importantly intended punishment in their MMA bouts to taking bumps and doing flips in the ring with people who were specifically working with them and trying their damndest not to hurt them. To say that wrestling is safer isn't necessarily true (just ask Daniel Bryan). But at least the objective in each WWE "fight" isn't actually to fight. The objective is to put on a good show. No one is expected to win because of their talents as fighters. The true job of a pro wrestler is to pretend that it hurts. Actual injuries are due to error and accident only.

Rousey is young. The career of an MMA fighter can only be so long before losses outnumber wins and wins become physically too difficult to achieve. And concussions are becoming an increasing concern for fighters. Controversy aside, it just makes sense for a fighter to work on ensuring a future free from the debilitations of repeated head trauma. Rousey's so damn marketable, she can spend her days post-UFC still in the limelight using her various other talents. But doing commentary, writing books, giving speeches, etc. becomes less of a possibility if her eggs are scrambled.

Again, I'm not implying that concussions and injuries aren't possible in the WWE; but I can guarantee that they are far less likely for one particular wrestler: Brock Lesnar. We're talking about a guy who doesn't get out of bed for a Monday Night RAW unless it's right before, or right after, a Pay-Per-View event. Brock can get away with only doing a few months of actual work per year because he was in a position to negotiate for such a sweet deal. And what put him in that position? The large audience of UFC fans who couldn't get enough of this behemoth of a bruiser. I think Rousey could negotiate an even better deal. 

I mean, have you seen her lately? Sports Illustrated front cover. Maxim, ESPN Magazine, Rolling Stone, Esquire. The list goes on, and the fans eat it up. The camera loves her, and she is not afraid to speak her mind. If her body wasn't grabbing enough attention, her opinions are. And whether you agree with her or not about mental health, gay rights, etc., she's not going to stop speaking out anytime soon. Apparently she likes Pokemon and Dragonball Z, and her particular nerdiness makes her even more appealing, especially to wrestling fans, who often overlap with anime nerds in Venn diagrams I could make if I felt like it.

I felt like it.

I felt like it.

And then of course there's her budding film career. Expendables 3, Fast 7, Entourage, and apparently Roadhouse?! The videocamera loves her, too, and I suspect she'll be in movies and TV shows for years to come, regardless of her professional MMA career. 

So why add wrestling to this mix if she already has so much going on? Apparently she likes it, since she attended Wrestlemania 2015 and jumped into the action long enough to lay the smackdown on Stephanie McMahon. Plus, she could get away with doing it only a month or two per year and still make money from it. Aforementioned crossover fans would eat it up. Additionally, she could still engage in active combat instead of relegating herself to "she used to be great" status too early (and she wouldn't have to trade hard blows to do it). 

The WWE would be good for her image. She could maintain herself as a badass by throwing down in the ring but also have the opportunity to develop a personality. Let her make up some hardcore finishing move. Let her come up with a slogan to shout when she puts her signature submission lock on someone. These repeatable words and actions will wiggle themselves into our collective cultural consciousness, along with Rousey herself, and stay there.

But here's the real opportunity: Rousey can command a serious shakeup within the WWE. National attention would shift to the WWE for getting Rousey on board. What to do with that spotlight? So glad I made you ask.

Wrestlemania 32. Kalisto is going to defend the United States Championship. Who will he be up against? It doesn't matter, because at the last minute, that person is going to be kayfabe injured. This will happen right before the match begins. And who will come out to fight for the title? Rowdy. Ronda. Rousey. And she'll win.

Yes, she'll come out and immediately take a title from the men's division. It will be a long, difficult match, not just a celebrity grab. After it's over, she and Kalisto will shake hands. There will be mutual respect. Then, the title, and a mic, will be handed to Rousey. Ideally, she will thank Kalisto for a good match in English and in Spanish (because that's the ultimate sign of respect, and he deserves it). Then she will look at the title, contemplate it for a moment, and say, "This works, for now."

For now. Because she'll have her eyes on a bigger prize. Wrestlemania will continue. Rousey will be shown watching the Divas Championship match, but won't betray any particular reaction.

She'll also watch the Dean Ambrose/Brock Lesnar fight, creating this idea of a connection between Rousey and Lesnar. Part of what makes Lesnar such an imposing figure in the WWE is the fact that he used to punch people in the face for real. Lesnar will always be taken just a little more seriously than anyone on the rest of the roster because of this. Rousey will have to be viewed in the same way. Rousey watching Lesnar's fight will almost make them seem like old friends from The War, as though they were in The Sh*t together. This creates a possibility of some future storyline between them. (Not implying that MMA fighting is in any way as important as serving in real combat. That's just the type of narrative I'm pitching.)

One of the most controversial bouts in the upcoming Wrestlemania will undoubtedly be Shane McMahon vs. The Undertaker. Old Guard and New Guard will clash for control of the company. What this actually means, I am unsure. I'm guessing it's just a storyline. I'm guessing it's a good way for the Undertaker to make his exit, if that's what he wants to do. But my pitch is a bit different.

Taker. Shane. The future of WWE on the line. Generally speaking, The Undertaker doesn't lose. But in this case, he's representing Vince McMahon, and Vince McMahon is the guy who still thinks the WWE is a children's program. He still thinks buffer is better. He still thinks wrestlers are "superstars." He still thinks black people aren't good enough to be Heavyweight Champion (unless they are Samoan and black). He still thinks Foreigners vs. Americans is an appropriate storyline. He still thinks he can tell us who to like. He's got to go. It's only due to the codependence of the fans that the company stays afloat. If we weren't all a little masochistic, we wouldn't put up with this lack of quality. Shane McMahon must save us from ourselves.

But The Undertaker is The Undertaker. Shane won't win easily. In fact, he won't win on his own. Just as he's about to hear the third count on the pin Taker's got him in, a surprise disruption from Ronda Rousey. That's right. Since they'll be in Texas, Steve Austin could be in on it, too, but Rousey will be the only debuting wrestler to actively disrupt a match against her new boss. She'll jump in and knock Taker off Shane and maybe she and Stone Cold can pummel Taker enough for Shane to squeeze in a pin on him.

After "control" of the company goes to Shane McMahon, he will say something to the effect of, "I'm not the only one here who thinks it's time for things to change." Rousey and Shane McMahon can hold each other's hands up, signaling the start of a new regime. (The result of Reigns vs. Triple H is sort of a moot point in this scenario, but if Roman lost, it could be a true indicator of the company's willingness to change.)

This will be one of the most explosive debuts in WWE history. Rousey's addition to the roster could be the catalyst for the company finally joining the 21st century. (This is a free pitch for a reason. WWE's history suggests they have no balls, and their enslaving contract with Mattel almost guarantees they won't want to upset that deeply troubling relationship.)

I don't believe that a pink butterfly belt is good enough for Ronda Rousey. I don't think the UFC Bantamweight Champion, a real title given by a real martial arts organization, can be followed up by the "Divas" Championship. It would seem like a joke. So after Wrestlemania, Rousey will have a few regular matches as United States Champion, but then Shane McMahon will ask her to change up the women's division. Yes, I said, "the women's division." Because Rousey's presence there will mean that it has to start functioning like a women's division again.

"Diva" is an insulting term. The WWE have done a great job of branding their female wrestlers as "divas" both in the ring and on their E! reality show Total Divas. From a marketing standpoint, I can completely understand why they want this consistency. But participation in Total Divas seems to be optional for the members of the WWE roster. Not everyone who shows up on RAW or Smackdown makes an appearance on Total Divas. At its heart, Total Divas is not a wrestling show. Smackdown, RAW, and all 12 of the Pay-Per-Views, are wrestling shows. 

And Rousey is no diva. Rousey is a serious competitor. With all her endorsements and multi-media cameos, I very much doubt she'd agree to be part of that awful "reality" show. Chances are, if anything, she's got one of her own in the works already. For the WWE to get Rousey, I think they'd have to squash any dreams they might have of controlling her image outside the ring. I think they'd have to squash the Divas Championship, too.

If the WWE is serious about their so-called "Divas Revolution," who better than to lead the charge than the most powerful woman in sports? But under Rousey, it wouldn't be a "Divas Revolution" anymore. It would be so much more important than that. It would have to be. Rousey demands respect in the world of sports, and she therefore can command respect from the WWE and their fans. (By the way, I refuse to call them the "WWE Universe." The fans have the right to decide how they designate themselves.)

So eventually Rousey will have to go after the Divas belt, and this could be a real "clash of Titans" scenario between her and Charlotte. Or, it could be the start of a really cool feud between Rousey and Sasha Banks (somewhat like the current feud between "The Beast" and the smack-talking and charismatic Dean Ambrose). Either way, Rousey will win the belt after a 30-minute Iron Man match. No one ever sees Rousey fight for an extended period of time, so that would be a draw. And we all know that Banks can deliver on that front. Save it for a Pay-Per-View, and it will get record numbers.

Also in attendance will be all of the "divas." Every single one. When she wins, she'll pull an Alundra Blayze, but instead of throwing that awful pink belt in the trash, she'll cut it into pieces and toss the pieces at all the female wrestlers present. "Here's a piece of the past for each of you. The past is now over. This is the Women's Division again. This is the Women's Division forever."

The following week, a new belt will be created. A real belt. A Women's Championship belt. Rousey won't take it. Instead, she will decree (with the power vested in her by Shane McMahon) that a match be held for it. What kind of match? The rare pearl: a Women's Ladder Match. Who will win? Not Rousey. She won't even compete. She'll probably go make a movie at this point. But she'll say, "I'll be back." And she will. After those initial few months are over, she'll drop to a Brock Lesnar-style schedule. 

And in her absence, newer, better storylines for the women's division will be implemented. No more squabbling. If that sort of thing continues anywhere, it'll be on Total Divas only. Because there are more female wrestling fans now than ever. They need heroes. Bayley can't hold it all on her shoulders alone. And until they bump her up the main roster, she'll still be only a positive role model in NXT. And although the male fans of NXT appreciate women's wrestling, there's a lot of men who only watch the main roster. They need to learn to take these women seriously. If there's one woman you have to take seriously, it's Rowdy Ronda Rousey.


Free WWE Story Pitch #2: Adrian Neville


Free WWE Story Pitch #2: Adrian Neville

Some call him the Prince of the Skies, but since Neville's debut on the WWE main roster, he's been pretty grounded. The pattern of pulling thriving talent out of NXT only to bury it on RAW and SmackDown is a continual one. Neville is just another casualty in McMahon's War with Logic. But what if the elvish Brit were actually given a fair shake by the WWE? Here's one way that might pan out.

The silly League of Nations decides as a "PR move" to "mentor" smaller wrestlers in the WWE, AKA torture them. This could set up four different storylines involving Triple H's latest company goons as well as four mid and lower-tiered guys. We can confirm that the LON are getting sadistic with their power and keep thumping that David and Goliath dynamic that works so well with little guys.

Think of it: Sheamus brings up Finn Balor just to continually beat him down. Del Rio, even though he was bested in the ring by Calisto, can nonetheless torment him outside of it. Sami Zayn, by sheer lack of a Canadian counterpart, gets saddled with Rusef, and Bad News Barrett gets to snatch poor Neville out of the air.

This can slowly play out over a month or two with the little guys deciding, of course, to form their own faction to overthrow the LON. But here's where it gets hairy: Kevin Owens will not leave Sami Zayn alone, even though he will be knee-deep in an epic feud (hopefully) with the newly-rostered AJ Styles.

So when the big battle between Big Guys and Little Guys inevitably goes down on RAW, an interruption from KO will take Zayn out early on. This will free Rusef up to double down on Calisto with Del Rio, and soon it'll just be Balor and Neville, back to back against four giants. 

With the odds stacked against them, Neville will do the unthinkable: he'll whale on Balor. Why? In case you hadn't noticed, Balor tends to turn into a demon. So the LON, being a bunch of main roster guys, will just sit back and laugh, because Neville will be doing their job for them. They won't believe all the hype about Balor. They're big and strong and he's just a pup from Developmental.

Of course, Balor won't like being tossed around and landed on by Neville, with whom he is friends. And soon, they will be brawling. Finally, like an infernal beast, one hard smack to the face from Neville will send Balor into a demonic rage, and even though he won't have his makeup on, the good folks in Lighting can do something red and spooky. 

The problem with demons is they don't discriminate. The demon, having awoken in Balor, will look around the ring and see one man inside it: Adrian Neville, who will probably gulp as he realizes his plan has just backfired. The beating that will ensue will be fast and crazy until Calisto and Zayn manage to get to their feet long enough to pull Neville out of the ring.

And who is left on the apron? The League of Nations, of course. And they will scatter like the chickensh*t heels they are. But Balor will manage to catch the slowest (doesn't matter who) and it'll take the rest of the League jumping on top to get him out of Balor's supernatural clutches. This will be the end of RAW: all four giant guys in the LON, eventually joined by The Game himself and possibly corporate Kane if he's around, holding down Demon Balor as the rest of his old NXT buddies look on in bruised horror.

On SmackDown, Sheamus will come out with his giant compatriots at the opening to cut a promo about how things got a little bit out of control on Monday night, and as a consequence, the League of Nations will be shuttering their mentor program. Balor's music hits, and he comes out, flanked by Calisto and Zayn. Although spooked, the LON will interrupt Balor's promo about how they don't need mentors by remarking how strange it is that Neville isn't with them. Balor will get a mournful look in his eye, and then a look of dread, as Neville's music hits.

Out he'll limp, clutching his bandage-wrapped stomach and being steadied by some backstage hand. He won't make it down the ramp, preferring instead to address the whole gang from the top. Dipping into his reserves of babyfaceness, he'll forgive Balor for tearing him up. Balor will get choked up, as will the audience, because when you actually let Neville speak, he's genuine and eloquent. "I forgive you," he'll say. And then he'll turn to the League.

"But you, Barrett, and all your buddies, will pay for what you've done. We challenge you to a no holds barred elimination match... at Wrestlemania!"

Zayn and Calisto will be stunned, but Balor will look at Neville and they'll nod in understanding. Maybe Barrett will attempt the old, "We're not going to fight you pipsqueaks" routine, but Triple H will come out to assure him that oh yes, they will.

Triple H will be angry at how they've been neglecting their duties of beating the crap out of Roman Reigns on his behalf of late. He will, of course, still underestimate the little guys and reason that the LON needs to be taught a lesson, but they shouldn't be so roughed up by the end of Wrestlemania that if he needs them they can't still help. The remaining lead-up to the "Super Bowl of Sports Entertainment" will show Neville infrequently as he fights to gain his strength back. 

The final battle between Davids and Goliaths will see Neville leading the charge and a non-demon Balor determined to win without the benefit of uncontrollable supernatural powers. (By the way, Balor vs. Kane, demon vs. demon, would be a fantastic feud.) The Goliaths would get their comeuppance from Calisto, Zayn, Balor and their high-flying leader Neville, who would get to pull the craziest, "I-can't-believe-he-just-did-that," inhuman move ever to finish off Barrett, who will be the last giant standing by virtue of his ability to hide and be forgettable.

Revenge will be sweet, and sweeter still since Triple H would lose his backup. Don't worry. I'm not pushing for a Reigns victory, just a flabbergasted Triple H, since he's so good at looking shocked (and sounding like he's been drinking fiberglass insulation milkshakes). 

There are endless things you can do with a guy like Neville. He's calm and reserved, which makes him the right sort of guy to create compelling drama when someone finally ruffles his feathers. Having him initially take a severe beating, but come back stronger and more voracious than ever could solidify him as a courageous face. He could almost be a Superman archetype, except he can be hurt. He's also a guy who wears his heart on his sleeve and is incapable of subterfuge. He could be betrayed and it could be heartbreaking.

Picture someone beating up someone he randomly gets put in a tag team match with, and him having to drag the guy to safety. Or picture him patiently sitting through a verbal berating about his ears being like bat wings, only to turn and speak from the heart about how it's not about looks, but deeds. He's even a bit, dare I say, Daniel Bryan-ish? Hurt someone he cares about and watch him go righteously nuts. Play up the underdog angle for this leaping goblin-guy and watch him endear himself to the hearts of fans everywhere.


Free WWE Story Pitch #1: Bo Dallas


Free WWE Story Pitch #1: Bo Dallas

Last night on RAW, delusional motivational speaker Bo Dallas decided to provoke an infuriated Brock Lesnar. There was not one possible outcome of this that could have been in any way favorable to Dallas. He was simply offered up as a sacrificial lamb to The Beast because they needed to throw someone in there, and Bo has delusions of grandeur.

This is a major issue with the writing of the WWE: they severely underutilize the majority of their roster at any given time. I couldn't tell you off the top of my head the last time I even saw Bo Dallas before he strutted out in his white codpiece to receive the beatdown of a lifetime.  Add to that their infamous inability to stack a decent midcard, and you get lackluster lulls in the deep gulf that is the 9 o'clock hour of RAW. 

Another piece of media with its own "universe," complete with a whole universe worth of characters which springs to mind is Game of Thrones, a series of books written by one ailing, old man. I admit I've never read the books, but I do watch the show. Never have I tuned in and felt like a character was boring me. Everyone in the dog-eat-dog world of Westeros has a goal. Sometimes it's simply to stay alive. Sometimes it's to ascend to power. Sound familiar? Both are worlds of fierce, even deadly competition. Yet George R.R. Martin seems to have no trouble keeping every character working toward something. Along the way, he reveals things that show us who they are and give us insight into why they do what they do in the way that they do it. These books are tomes. They are gargantuan. And they are all written by a single man.

The WWE has a team of writers. Why don't this past Summerslam and last night's RAW reflect that? I'm asking because I genuinely don't know. But I challenge you to find a fandom more continually frustrated by the thing they love so much. The WWE is like your good-for-nothing nephew who tested incredibly well but just can't get his sh*t together. You love your nephew, but each time you see him, you come away sad. Why we indulge this sort of toxic relationship with the WWE I cannot say. Why we put up with generic and inferior plots in our top tier wrestling promotion escapes me, too.

So because I, among many others, am dissatisfied with the WWE, I've picked one character to mess with. If I get any sort of feedback at all, I might do another one. I'm not going to pretend this is the most brilliant idea ever and the WWE are fools for not doing it. I just want them to do something with the characters who are so often discarded. There's real talent here. Why waste it?

So, Bo Dallas was presumably carried out of the ring and into an ambulance last night. From there, he goes to a hospital and is treated for multiple injuries. We don't see him again for at least a month (sorry Bo). 

Finally, on Raw there's a backstage segment where someone mentions Bo is out of the hospital. "Why yes, he's in his dressing room, but I don't think he's scheduled for a match tonight. In fact, he hasn't been out of his room since he got here."

Later, Stephanie McMahon herself, accompanied by an annoyed Triple H, goes to his room, gently knocking on the door and asking Bo to let her in. A meek "leave me alone" is his only response. Eventually, Triple H takes matters into his own hands and bashes the door open. A shocking image: Bo Dallas, in multiple casts and bandages, is squatting Golem-style on the counter of the dressing room ripping at his dressings like a wild animal. Stephanie gasps and Triple H looks disgusted. Security is called and Bo Dallas is strapped to a Hannibal Lector-like gurney and wheeled away.

Another month goes by, and suddenly he shows up on Smackdown, all smiles and handshakes. The atmosphere around him is one of uncertainty, but he seems genuinely better. The following Raw, we see him chumming up to some fellow fighters. Later, we see them all win their respective matches.

In the months that follow, two things begin happening with increasing frequency:

1) He gets in ears, giving advice that seems smart but is long-run harmful to his peers. He plays one against the other, then hurts different people entirely, all under the guise of being helpful. He is surface-level reformed, but is really sowing seeds of discord. 

2) In a series of bizarre flashback packages, we begin to learn about Bo's time in the insane asylum. He was never officially released. He got better at being a manipulative motivator as the only way to keep from devolving into a comatose puddle after the beating and humiliation he received from Brock Lesnar. He looked at his own soul, and found it so mangled and unrecognizable that he turned away from it.

In other words, he had to become even crazier and more out of touch with reality in order to survive. By the time his month has gone by, he simply walks out of the place by befuddling and psychologically damaging every orderly and doctor he comes across. Brock Lesnar has accidentally created a monster.

A third problem has also been brewing, not with Bo Dallas but with Bray Wyatt. While Bo has been gone and come back, the Wyatt Family has become a serious faction. They got the new guy Braun Strowman (who I hope replaces the Big Show as the new Giant-in-Residence), and I'm sure Erick Rowan will return once he's ready. So they emerge as a serious splinter force in the WWE.

The problem with Bray Wyatt though is that he's crazy too, and somewhat erratic in whom he chooses to focus his bad juju on. Eventually, it gets to be too much for his lackies, and they lose faith, abandoning him.

And who is there, a fellow manipulative and charismatic leader with no flock? Bo Dallas. They're both nuts, and they both love to control and psychologically destroy their enemies. Also, because of the aforementioned nuttiness, anyone can be their enemy.

Boom! Real life brothers. Kayfabe tag team partners. A Reign of Terror begins.

Not only do they mercilessly destroy their opponents physically in the ring, but they shake these men down to their emotional cores. It gets nasty, vindictive and sinister. The twosome set into motion a series of disputes that get even the most loyal of friends to turn on each other.

Alliances are formed that never would otherwise in order to stomp out this menace. The former Wyatt Family members team up with the New Day. Dean Ambrose ("There's only room for one crazy guy in the WWE, Dallas, and it sure as hell ain't you!") and Roman Reigns reluctantly work with Seth Rollins (OMG Shield Reunion you guys!) and Triple H himself to rout them out... to no avail! This is a solid mid card that could last at least a year, easy.

But of course, us white people are great at destroying the best things we have (she said wistfully, with a touch of bitterness), so it all comes crashing down the only way it can in an entertainment sport dominated by big sweaty dudes: Bro Betrayal. Bray Wyatt turns on Bo Dallas in the middle of some balls-out match against perhaps the former Wyatt Family, who welcome Bray back as their leader (if you can't beat him, become his bitch). 

Bo is all alone now, bitter and deranged. He decides to focus his confused and traumatic rage at the one who made him. He decides if he's going to go down, there's only one man worthy and who will be guaranteed to get the job done: 

Brock. Lesnar.

It's a challenge no one saw coming, but when it arrives, everyone kicks themselves. Bo Dallas challenges the great Brock Lesnar to a fight at one of the big PPVs. "You made me, Brock. I'm your son. You made me this way and you will acknowledge me, even if it's only long enough to destroy me. I have nothing to lose! " He's shaking, nearly crying with rage.

Paul Heyman skips down the ramp and makes a big show of saying how unworthy Bo Dallas is to call himself the Son of the Beast and laughs in Bo's face. But surprisingly, Brock Lesnar accepts, albeit disinterestedly. 

The night of the event, Bo for once keeps his mouth shut. He's somber for a change. The gleeful insanity has been replaced with what you could almost call clarity, if not for the fact that Dallas is damaged beyond repair.

Of course the fight is Lesnar's, but Bo surprisingly holds his own long enough to pull some choice moves. After Brock viciously suplexes Bo ten times in a row, he hops off the apron and walks away. But then, he turns and gets back in. He seems a bit confused, unsure. He stands over Bo for almost a full minute, trying to decide whether to help his "son." Bo is barely conscious but he manages to get one hand up to reach for Brock.

Brock reaches down, picks Bo up in his arms like a child... and fudging SLAMS him again! Oh my gosh, it's terrible. But they don't call him the beast for nothing. He walks off for good this time and Bo is all but dead in the ring.

The lights go out, and out comes Bray Wyatt with his lantern and his "family" in tow. Braun Strowman lifts up the dead weight of Dallas like he's nothing, and Bray Wyatt leads them all up the ramp like it's a funeral procession.

Is this just a final courtesy to Bo from Bray, accompanying him to the Underworld? Or does it mean a possible rekindling of their alliance? What will Bo Dallas be like when, or if, he recovers from this second complete destruction at the hands of the Beast, Brock Lesnar?

Stay tuned... (or don't since this isn't real. But then, what is?)

@Gavin4L contributed to this post.